Pain and Relationships

Chronic Pain is a condition that can not only affect the person that  is experiencing the chronic pain, but can extend to your relationships  with your spouse, children, family and friends. This may be due to the  inability to interact emotionally or physically.

Chronic pain places a strain on most intimate relationships. In  general, poor relationships have a negative effect on health and mental  health. For those patients living with a chronic pain, poor relationship  function makes it harder to manage. As the negative effect of a  relationship intensifies, many people living with an existing and  chronic physical condition can expect to see their condition worsen.  Counselling and couple therapy can help to improve relationship  function, therefore improving health and mental health conditions.

Pain is subjective – we can’t experience each other’s pain. Therefore,  it is important to discuss with loved ones what you are experiencing so  they understand what you are going through. Remember that your loved  ones are also on the journey with you. If you struggle to express how  chronic pain affects you, take some time to write down your pain  experiences. Also consider the tone of voice you use when talking to you  partner, friends or family. If you are feeling particularly sensitive  or tired, consider arranging a better time to talk when your emotions  have settled a little, or use breathing techniques to calm and centre  yourself first. Reconnecting with these relationships is essential and  will go a long way to ensure that your support system has strong  foundations. 

If you understand your own pain better,  then you are more likely to be able to let a loved one know how they  can best support you. Be mindful to:

• Acknowledge your own pain.
• Know that pain is subjective, which means that we can’t experience each other’s pain.
• Remember that close family and friends  may lack an understanding of your pain and how to help. This does not  translate into a lack of care.
• Be patient with loved ones who may not “get it”.
• Describe your pain without using  extreme wording like “nothing works” or “this will never go away”. This  will create a “fix it” response in our loved ones.
• Help loved one’s understand that you  have down days and then every now and then you also have better days.  This is not only important in helping loved one’s understand where you  are but it also helps present you with a more balanced view of our pain  without getting caught in the doom and gloom.
• It is important to make your loved  ones aware that we are not after solutions but rather an empathic ear,  which is someone who is prepared to listen without judgment or  solutions.